“Attaining the lost happiness”

SunriseStood on the balcony, gazing at the vast expanse of clear blue sky floating above the land, Babar was lost in a no man’s land. He seemed so lost, as if he had been hypnotized by the unmoving sky. The shrill horn snapped him back into the world again. Recently, a sense of dissociation from reality had start to surface in his life. Everything appeared distant. None of the elements in the world had any sort of relation to him. He forgot that he was a part of the world, but maybe the world too was to be blamed for not noticing the boy either. The blame game was never a useful exercise. He had been dragged into the situation, like a man being sucked into a swamp, and screaming for help offered nothing, but of no assistance, caused more panic. After a few moments, the swamp reverted back to what it looked like, as if it had never swallowed the man. The world was still and yet so vibrant, like it had been vibrant forever.

Recently, Babar had visited a psychiatrist. The frail Babar was motioned to take a seat by him. Psychiatrist asked a few questions, and Babar started to realize how pointless this exercise was. The wavelength at which the doctor understood issues was different to the wavelength at which Babar understood his own issues. Neither of them was to blame for this communication gap. Although feelings could be expressed in words, the anguish felt by Babar had surpassed the threshold of being expressed in words. After taking the history of Babar, the psychiatrist pulled his form out and asked a few questions. It was when Babar was asked to express what he felt in numbers; he knew he had had enough. In a split second, Babar was out of the room, sprinting out of the labyrinth of corridors. Voices in his head were roaring at him. “You are worthless”, “You are good for nothing”, “No one loves you”. It was as if demons had taken birth in his head. Nothing appeared auspicious. Despair conquered him over and over again. Scared of being conquered over and over again, Babar did not have too many options left. Nothing was panning out too well either. His career. His family. His lover. His health. He was shattered like a glass, and it was impossible to put him back together.  God tormented him. He was angry at god. How could HE do this to him when HE claimed to be so merciful? However, as the clocks ticked by, he had come to believe that god did not exist. It was a belief backed by reasons. Who could possibly refute this? Could anyone explain his suffering? Was he not a normal person? Why was he chosen? Often, Babar found himself in arguements.  Whenever he went to discuss his issues, all people could do was to tongue dry words out. Words that did not possess meaning. God puts the most loved ones through certain tests.  This was deception; treachery at its best.  All the explanations were as such that no loopholes were to exist. God cannot be restricted to limitations, as god is the master of destiny. Therefore, god chose certain situations for his people. God brought that situation, yet god would yield a good situation. All of the statements mouthed out people made him think that this entire god thing was a hoax. If people could invent such reasons, people are hoax too. These people, he communicated with were not real either.

As a consequence, a different reality had set in, drifting him away from this world. Therefore, this physical presence of his was not justified either, and only one solution occurred to his mind.  The solution to rid him of this gruelling, grotesque existence. An existence that never existed. An existence he could not battle any longer. An existence he had to lose.

It is this very reason that made him stand in the balcony, with 14 floors to separate him from land. However, it is important to clarify that this was not his first attempt at suicide, and the progression to the idea of a suicide was more like climbing up the rungs of ladder. In order to come to terms with the idea of a suicide, he decided to cut himself on a regular basis. This pain in this situation felt euphoric, yet never enough, to rid him of the void completely. It was then, suicide became an answer. The eternal solution. First attempt of his failed, although he had been partially successful. He had gulped down 14 capsules of fluoxetines, which made him to suffer with seizures. Instantly, tachycardia set in, resulting in a cardiac arrest. Fortunately, Babar was within the premises of a hospital, and the resuscitation procedure was performed. His shirt was unbuttoned, and his chest was exposed to the defibrillators.

However, he could not disagree with his circumstances. A thought about his family did flash across his mind, and maybe, they would feel the same anguish at his loss. However, rationalism could only epitome to a certain height. Although he was tempted to jump, an uneasy thought made him flinch. After jumping, his body would hit the ground with a strong thud, and a grotesque mass of bones would then be lying across the road, with red blood spurting out of his head to form a little pool around his head. The family was going to be confronted with a difficult situation as it is, and he had to think of a painless form of a suicide. Although this would be hard on his family, they would not be scarred by images by his grotesque lifeless form.

Although the life of Babar had stagnated, the time kept cruising through. Soon, the jaunty sun was replaced with the sullen moon. Yet, another day had passed by, and another night had begun. Although the Earth was in the process of revolving around itself completely and people with their bags hung over their shoulders returned from their offices, Babar’s position remained unchanged. Once again, he was brought back to the world. This time it was not a shrill horn, but his own chirpy doorbell. Reluctant to meet anyone, he refused to move even an inch. The empathy and the connection with people had been lost. Humans were pure evil, and nothing could cast that state away from humans, even the darkest form of arts could not cast this spell away, but maybe, it was a wizard who had cast this evil state into a human. These questions had no answers. How could they have any answers? There were no facts available to back this up. Only observations. Only observations.  Only, who knew would not argue with this claim? Babar definitely knew this.

The footsteps outside the apartment faded away, and Babar was convinced that his unwelcomed visitor had left. He sauntered back into the room. His gloomy surroundings were a clear reflection of himself.  The light was murky, giving an impression of a tarot card reader’s place. Lined on the table were plates with uneaten, rotting food, and giving it company was a bag of weed, rizlas, weed grinder and a few photos. Rubbish in the dustbin had brimmed over. The stench was horrid. Yet, Babar remained completely oblivious to these. He inhabited a different world. A world not accessible to anyone. No longer to the people he loved as well. This was a normal day in Babar’s life.

As mere observers, we looked at his life, and in some cases, we made judgements as well. He is wasting his life. He is such a fool. There definitely is a different way of coping with these issues. It was as if a dark soul had taken command of him, puppeting him to behave like this. He was completely submerged, and he could not get a glimpse of the outside world. All we could do was feel sympathetic towards him, but we could not offer suggestions either and quietly hang on to our faith. We forgot that he had exited this world into a little cocoon of a world. It was this cocoon of a world, he took solace in. No one could understand him. No one could companion him.

However, was Babar always like this? He was not. A topper at school and a genius at football, he was loved by everyone at school. People constantly surrounded him, and a moment did not go by in which he felt bored. University was an amazing experience, in which he notched top grades. Top firms offered him a job. Opportunities kept coming up, which he needed to grab at, as easy as grabbing luggage from the conveyor belt. Babar was generally not at home, and he was unaware, working late night for a presentation, he was supposed to conduct the next day. Babar was bombarded with calls. It was unusual, the time at which he was receiving his calls. He had informed his family that he was not going to arrive anytime soon. These calls surprised him, and he decided to pick them up. The unexpected had happened. You don’t realize that certain events can happen to you, until they happen to you. It is similar to smoking. People get too deluded with the pleasure smoking brings. People remain ignorant to the ailments associated with it. One fine day, like any other normal day, people wake up and prepare themselves for chores. However, this day is different as a certain sense of uneasiness sets in; uneasiness strenuous enough to prevent that person from conducting those daily chores. As a consequence, the person decides to visit a doctor, and after a few tests, results come out, and the unforgiving disease, cancer, has set in. In a similar manner, Babar took these things for granted as well. The future motivated him and his ambitions were a driving force, but in the midst of so much, he could not be blamed for forgetting the things he should be grateful for. His father had just had a severe heart attack. Clutching at his keys, he rushed out of the office. Locating the car in the parking lot, he jumped into this car, and galloped the car through the narrow lanes to get in time for his father being shifted from one hospital to another. The ambulance was ready to set off, when Babar ran and knocked at the door.

After being let in, he sat gazing at his dead. He slid his hand through his forehead, and his dad looked back. Their eyes met. His dad gave the assuring look, and Babar’s desperation made him interpret that his dad had forgiven him, for the times he was not there with his dad, for not being as good to his dad as his dad was to him. Babar wanted to be forgiven, but then again, he wanted to maintain his composure. Seated alongside him was his mom. He had to look tough in front of her. He wanted to make a statement. The situation is not as bad, and we are going to control it soon. Defeat it soon. But, his insides were shattered. How long was he going to hide this for? He seemed distant from himself, making him realize that how two people in him could exist at the same time.

Within a few minutes, the ambulance was lined outside the hospital, and the doors of the ambulance were opened wide apart, to let the stretcher out. Soon, he was shifted into the ICU, and we were not allowed into the room; a room in which his father’s life was going to be governed by. Stood outside, he could not do anything, but make guesses. Along with that, day dreams started to catch his attention. His dad would live to see his grand children, even though Babar was not married. His dad would be so proud of his son, when he would gift him Toyota Lexus, his dream car. These were Babar’s ways of letting the hope live.

Doctors walked out and sat down beside Babar, and their expressions only offered a prelude to what they were going to say. It was then that his life changed. A grief that changed him forever. A different person was born, and more than one person had left this beautiful world that night. It was too late for Babar to have realized the importance of time, and the people inhabiting that sphere. It was too late for Babar to have known the real value of a relationship. Since the day, he was born, he was taught how to chase, and his chase never ended. We always find it hard to remain content with what we already have in life, and instead, we get too used to certain elements in our life, making us lose the value of what we already possessed. Diamonds wouldn’t have been so expensive, if they occurred on every street. However, we need to learn to appreciate a normal, lacklustre stone as much as a sparkling diamond.

How did we define happiness? Rather, what were the things that defined our happiness?

“Once an insecure mouse crawled up to a wizard, and begged that wizard for him to fulfil his wish. The wizard, anxious to get rid of the mouse, asked for the mouse’s wish. The mouse wished that he should instantly be turned into a cat, just so that a cat could not gobble him up. Later, apprehensions started to catch on with the cat, and the cat wished to be a dog. And therefore, this cat ran up to the wizard, stating his need to turn into a dog. The wizard granted this wish. But, the dog still did not feel powerful enough. Lion, the king of the jungle, was the most powerful. Once again, the dog ran up to the generous wizard, and with a sigh, the wizard turned him into a lion. However, the lion feared of being hunted by hunters, and he found himself on a familiar path to the wizard, and the lion shamelessly wished for being turned into a hunter. The wizard decided to turn the lion back into a mouse. The mouse gestured and said, “is this a joke?”, and the wizard told him, “You can never attain contentment, no matter what you have!””

And hence, it still was not too late for Babar!

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